1st Relief Society Lesson

Earlier this month one of my friends from the ward asked me if I could teach her lesson in Relief Society for the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I told her that would be fine, but in my mind I was thinking OH MY GOSH!!! This would be my first time ever teaching Relief Society. I mean I've taught in primary before, which is easy. You could tell them the sky is green and they would be ok with it. But Relief Society is totally different. They actually care what you say, and are there to learn, to get inspired and to be up lifted and feel the spirit. Some how I was put in charge of this big responsibility. I felt very inadequate. I sat down and prayed for a while, and then started reading over the talk which I was suppose to teach from. It was Susan W. Tanner's talk on "Daughters of Heavenly Father" from Conference back in March. She had directed it to the Young Women, but the Relief Society presidency felt like the young women were not the only ones who needed to hear the talk. We all need to be reminded who we are. When we get older we get caught up in our everyday lives. Having society beat down on us everyday telling us we aren't good enough or women are worthless. We tend to forget where we came from. That we are ALL daughters of our Heavenly Father. It is not a certain age, or certain gender, or race, etc. Everybody is!
As soon as I started reading the talk I came overwhelmed with emotions. It brought back so many of my child hood memories, which weren't good. I had a hard life dealing with my mom. She is schizophrenic, bi-polar and has epilepsy. With these disorders she becomes very mean at times. Growing up with her was very difficult for me. She was constantly putting me down. Telling me how stupid I was, or not good enough. There was even one time that she slapped me across my face and called me the B word in front of the missionaries, and then 2 weeks late she didn't remember doing it. I can't remember a time my Mom has told me she loved me, or even said anything nice to me. It is always something negative. Anyways, needless to say I was very vulnerable in my teenage years. I didn't know who I was, therefore I went out to the world trying to find acceptance from anybody. My standards weren't too high, since I didn't respect myself and I was pretty desperate for some company. I got into the wrong crowds. And did many things that I regret. Which made me feel even worse about myself. These memories are too hard for me to deal with so I always try to put them in the back of my mind to forget them. It is too hard for me to think about them. I have gone to therapist to try to work out my issues and get them under control. Which I thought I had gotten myself in pretty good control, until I got assigned this lesson. I know it was given to me for a reason. Heavenly Father knew that I need this lesson more than anybody. I needed to be reminded that I was one of his children and he does love me. I felt like this was the best therapy that I had ever got. I spent all of this money to try to solve my problems and all I needed to do was teach a lesson in Relief Society.
Preparing for this lesson I think I had like 5 mental break downs or so. I would read the talk, cry, get upset, throw the Ensign down, and not come back to it for a couple days. I would call my sisters for support and get my emotions back on track. Eventually I faced all of my past issues and got them out in the open instead of keeping them bottled up inside of me. Whew, that was really hard work. Well, finally the day came to do the lesson. I was so nervous. I kept trying to hold my composure, but I didn't do such a good job. I was crying from the beginning. It was so hard to talk. I kept having to stop to pull my self back together again. I guess I touched some of the other sisters in the ward too, b/c they started crying as well. All and all I think the lesson went pretty good. A lot of the sisters made comments or told some of their life experiences, which was good to hear. I did unfortunately finish 10 min. early, but then some sisters started sharing more comments and stories, so it ended up being ok.
I know that this lesson was intended for me. I was a very lost individual. Not knowing who I was. But after going through this experience I know who I am now. I am a daughter of God. Who loves me and I love him. I know that he is always there for me. Always has been, and always will be. Because I know who I am I do not hide, or hold my head down anymore. I am proud and walk tall. I don't let what other people say influence me or destroy me anymore. I know that I am special and are loved. I know the Lord is on my side and will help & comfort me in times of need. He is my #1 fan.